Why did you leave Headship?
Why did you leave Headship? Trying to understand and find peace with why I left.
September 2023
Why did you leave? It’s a valid question, one people ask me when I say I’ve just left my position, one I have asked myself so many times over the past 8 months since handing in my notice. The questions I have asked myself are more loaded; why are you leaving? Is followed by:
Why can’t you do it?
Why are you failing?
Why is it so hard?
What else can you do?
And then the judgement of myself;
But you’ve done it before
You should be able to do it
It should be manageable
Other people can do it, why can’t you?
This is your third headship, you should have it sorted
And so on!
When other people ask me why I left, I usually play it down, saying something like ‘It was really tough and I wanted to try something else,’ or, if I’m feeling dramatic, I say ‘It was ruining my life and I decided life’s too short to be miserable!’ Both are true but there’s so much more to it.
The most recent Headship I had taken on was my third. I thought it would be manageable because I had experience, ha! I leapt in, full of energy, keen to build positive relationships and work in a way which is aligned to my values of kindness, connection, creativity and commitment. What I found, very quickly, was that big change was needed, and although the staff team were themselves kind, the magnitude of the ‘to do’ list was too great for one person. There were a crazy number of legal, compliance and HR issues to sort, then teaching and learning, behaviour, culture, parental engagement, curriculum and so on. I mean, they’re all the things we know Heads need to work on, but everything seemed to need work NOW! We were mid-merger with another Trust and the impact of so many staff and structure changes meant even more ‘actions’ landed in my inbox every day. The children and the families were wonderful, full of life, love and positivity and this really fuelled my desire to stick at it and make it work.
But, the impact of the job on my well-being, health, and on my family was huge. When I would share with friends the challenges I was facing in trying to balance home with school I would say; ‘I’m losing my temper with my kids’, ‘I’m not contributing to looking after our house,’ ‘I just know I’m not present, I’m distracted, even at the breakfast table when people are calling in sick and I’ve got to figure out how to cover it all.’ I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep, I was getting migraines, brain fog and crying several times a week. The toll was great.
In the time it took to make the decision to leave, for many months, I felt like I was failing. I remember a meeting with my CEO and Director of Education, where they tried to offer support to help me stay, they asked ‘What’s different, you’ve done this before, in a harder school?’ I didn’t know the answer at the time, it was something to do with the team, but the staff were kind, supportive and openly behind me in recognising the need for change, so how could it be them?
What I came to realise, over the months after I handed in my notice, was that the team wasn’t the right fit for me. I was regularly feeling that my values were being compromised in my work, recommendations to intervene in ways which I didn’t feel were ‘kind’, making judgements of others which didn’t take into consideration their experiences, a lack of commitment to doing what was agreed, and undertones of opinions about part time working not being effective (I had a 0.9 contract!) to name a few. And so in February 2023, I decided not that 'I couldn’t do it anymore,' but that 'I didn’t want to do it anymore', and I wrote my letter of resignation.
Fascinatingly, after I shared the decision to leave, several people told me they thought I was brave! It hadn’t occurred to me that leaving didn’t have to mean failure. I was putting my values, my needs and my family first. I’m still gutted that it’s not the right role for me right now, never say never! But, I have found a place where I know that it was beyond doubt the right decision, and yes, it was brave!
Since the summer I have connected with several Headteachers who have left, their experiences are similar, they felt it was time to focus on themselves, their own families and step away from the heavy weight of the job. It’s so sad that so many colleagues in our wonderful profession (because despite it all, I still think it’s one of the most amazing jobs someone can do) feel they have to make the decision to leave. Coaching and supervision is growing in popularity for Headteachers, and rightly so, it can make all the difference to leaders and for many means they can stay. The coaching I received in my role was incredibly helpful, and it’s driven me to want to offer that support to others. So, here I am, at the end of September, not a SIP or SEF in sight and it feels good!
If this resonates with you, I’d love to know. Reach out and connect, tell me about you and your experience whether it’s in education, teaching, childcare, leadership or corporate.
~ Emma ~