Why did you leave headship? 1 year on!

When I wrote the ‘Why did you leave headship?’ blog a year ago, it was an honest and raw perspective of where I was and why I made the decision I did.

So may people asked me this question back then and have continued to ever since! Almost 1 year on, I’m writing this on the train on the way back from a networking meet up with fellow education freelancers (that still sounds odd to write that I class myself in this bracket!) and I have been reflecting on leaving, and why I left all over again.

When people asked me back then I said it was because I couldn’t give what the job needed and that I wanted to prioritise my family. While that’s still true I now give more to answers, I give the truth...

I say ‘I was completely burnt out and broken’. I don't think I could admit that a year ago, in fact I’m not sure I could even see it. I was so broken physically and mentally, I wasn’t sleeping, my eating habits were so unhealthy, I had poor nail, skin and hair condition. I had regular migraines and other random physical pain. I had low energy, trouble with mental capacity for decision making, word finding difficulties and a very low frustration tolerance, and more. I felt that my work was taking the whole of me, and there was nothing left for my family. I carried, and still do carry a huge amount of guilt for this time.

When you lay it out, I had to leave.

But I didn’t want to have to. And, I wish it could be different for me and so many incredible colleagues who find themselves in similar situations.

I’m not sure what I expected I would find on the other side of headship. I know that I didn’t expect to create connections and work as a freelancer that would sustain me and my family for more than a year! I expected to have to look for a ‘real’ job again by the summer term. But hey, I haven’t had to! I’ve found a whole world out here, it’s terrifying at times, exhilarating at others, slow sometimes and then hectic. I’ve worked incredibly hard but in a way that fits with my values, that I feel comfortable with, and that I feel I have ultimate control of. I can say no this way!

I’ve learnt so much this year. I’ve learnt how to look after myself, how to prioritise my health both physically and mentally. I’ve gained knowledge and new skills through working with leaders, schools and Trusts; everything from accountancy to contracts, LinkedIn to podcasting and so much in between. I’ve been open to new things, said yes to opportunities even when they have scared me. I have been incredibly lucky to have met some amazing connections (mainly via LinkedIn!) who have showed me kindness, shared wisdom, listened, cheer leaded, connected me with others, and lifted me up. I’ve written a list of the things I’ve done/ achieved at the bottom of this blog, for celebration and ….

I’ve also learnt how much damage I had allowed the job to do to me. It’s been a grieving process leaving, and one that I expect now to be ongoing. When I speak to other leaders who have left, or who are in the process, the idea of grief comes up a lot. Being in education is such a personal job, we bring our whole selves to our roles, heart and soul. When you step out there’s a loss. Some of the things I was so happy to leave behind, and still when I work with schools I know that so many part of the job are completely frustrating, soul destroying, waste of our lives tasks!

But, there’s nothing that compares to welcoming your team at the start of term Inset day, watching a group of little people performing the nativity to their families with the biggest smiles on their faces, witnessing children tackle their fears on residential trips, seeing the smiles of hundreds of children looking at you in an assembly, welcoming families on the gate each day, I could go on. Being part of something, meaning something to a community is the best job I’ve ever had the privilege to do. I just wish it was a job I still wanted to do.

Lots of people ask me, after we’ve talked about why I left, ask me if I’ll ever go back. I always answer ‘I hope so.’ I hope that the job becomes tenable for the majority again (because there are schools, teams and leaders out there doing an incredible job, balancing it and loving it) and maybe there will be a place where I can take it on all over again!

For the foreseeable I’ll be working from the side-lines supporting leaders to manage the impact of their roles through supervision and coaching, and developing knowledge and understanding about how to gift our young people with autonomous and joyful educational experiences through continuous provision and early years leadership work.

This year I have:

worked with 18 schools including 3 Multi Academy Trusts nationally through supervision for leaders,
recorded, edited, created and published 23 podcast episodes with incredible leaders,
Led a workshop at the WomenEd Unconference
Written and recorded a Webinar for the National College
Created content for Myatt & Co with Rachel Higginson
Co-ordinated a WomenEd South West meet up
Completed 3 bespoke EYFS contracts,
Done ½ a term acting headship and interim leadership roles in 3 schools,
Written and led 5 live training sessions, recorded them and made them available on the website,
Made a website, email list and written to subscribers almost every Friday since October.

I’ve written this list to help me recognise everything that I have achieved - to see what I left for. And, to share with anyone reading this who is wondering what’s out there - there’s so much out here, you just need the space to explore!

And, if you chose to stay, I am in awe of you. But, please look after yourself. Don't allow the job to rob you of yourself. We need you, to be your best, healthiest self to lead our young people, families and staff right now. And if you're not sure how to turn the tide, to keep yourself healthy get in touch. There are so many wonderful organisations, coaches, connections out there who can help you.

~ Emma ~